Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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