My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Randomize
