In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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