Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
