i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
