Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
