We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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