So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
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