What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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