OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
