Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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