I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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