I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
