even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
