I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i think i have herpe
just one?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
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Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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