i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
