Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
