My first STD was from a foam party
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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