we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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