There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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