The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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