I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
