I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
