No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
