Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
