I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Randomize
