2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
