Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
