god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
