every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
