im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
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Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
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You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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