also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
