I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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