I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
