I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
