I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I CAN MOONWALK!
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Randomize
