Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.