glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
too bad you live with your parents still
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.