That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
