...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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