dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
