I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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