I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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