I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
