Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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