There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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