Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
