God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize