Define "chronic" masturbator.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
