apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
