just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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