Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
