my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
