DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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